Harry
CibbuanoDealing with your partner’s family
September 25th 2006 00:08
Keeping the peace with you and your partner’s family can be a tricky balancing act. If you get on brilliantly with your partner’s parents and siblings, consider yourself blessed because in my experiences it is a rare situation. Parents or siblings tend to naturally get protective of their family members. It’s an instinctive reaction particularly in very tight-knit families. The exact reasons why a member or the entire compliment of your partner’s family decides to dislike you are varied and complex. For some, the new partner is viewed as a potential threat to the family clan, a bad influence. Others don’t think the new partner is of a worthy standard. Some just have really bizarre and pitiful reasons, whilst other may have good reason to dislike you.
It may be easy to brush off any hostilities between you and your partner’s family. After all, it is your partner who you are dating not their extended family. But if you want things to run smoothly in the future it is best to try and resolve any differences or at the very least come to some sort of middle ground with a difficult in-law family.
If there are hostilities between you and your partner’s family it should be pretty obvious to your partner. No doubt the offended family member would have already unleashed a bitching tirade or expressed some sort of dissatisfaction. A good place to start mending a bad in-law relationship is with your partner. Bring up the issue with them and ask if they know why their mother/father/sibling doesn’t like you? Insist on a truthful answer. As difficult as it may be to hear, knowing why someone dislikes you is the only way you can go about getting some sort of resolution.
When you know what the deal is, take a deep breath and try to remain rational. As far as I’m concerned, the worst part is over. Almost always the reason for the hostility is going to sound weak and baseless. The problem probably isn’t you but rather someone else’s insecurities or poor judgment. Now it is time to address the fears, falsehoods and grievances as an adult.
Younger siblings may see you as a threat. Before you came along the two siblings were inseparable bosom buddies. Now you’ve divided the tightness of that relationship. This is an easy fix. The younger sibling is simply needing a little reassurance and attention. Include the younger sibling in some activities with your partner. Impression on the youngster that they’ve gained an additional member (you) to the original twosome brigade, rather than scenario that you’ve stolen their older sibling. Sometimes it is not just a matter of taking on a new partner, but also adopting a new brother or sister. Treat them with kindness and they’ll be unable to dislike you for long.
The elders can be a tougher nut to crack. They tend to be a bit more cemented in their views and bias’. Almost always their dislike is based on some sort of fear. Either that you’ll lead their son/daughter astray, you’ll break their son/daughter’s heart, you won’t provide the sort of future lifestyle they envisage for their child. Some just can’t come to grips with ‘loosing’ their child.
Much like with the younger sibling example, the key to generating a great relationship with your partner’s parents is to figure out what their issues are and plan out a way of demonstrating how baseless these fears are. Demonstrate how you can be a good influence. Usually by adopting and accepting your partner’s family as your own, you’ll be able to secure a much better relationship with the in-laws.
It may be easy to brush off any hostilities between you and your partner’s family. After all, it is your partner who you are dating not their extended family. But if you want things to run smoothly in the future it is best to try and resolve any differences or at the very least come to some sort of middle ground with a difficult in-law family.
If there are hostilities between you and your partner’s family it should be pretty obvious to your partner. No doubt the offended family member would have already unleashed a bitching tirade or expressed some sort of dissatisfaction. A good place to start mending a bad in-law relationship is with your partner. Bring up the issue with them and ask if they know why their mother/father/sibling doesn’t like you? Insist on a truthful answer. As difficult as it may be to hear, knowing why someone dislikes you is the only way you can go about getting some sort of resolution.
When you know what the deal is, take a deep breath and try to remain rational. As far as I’m concerned, the worst part is over. Almost always the reason for the hostility is going to sound weak and baseless. The problem probably isn’t you but rather someone else’s insecurities or poor judgment. Now it is time to address the fears, falsehoods and grievances as an adult.
Younger siblings may see you as a threat. Before you came along the two siblings were inseparable bosom buddies. Now you’ve divided the tightness of that relationship. This is an easy fix. The younger sibling is simply needing a little reassurance and attention. Include the younger sibling in some activities with your partner. Impression on the youngster that they’ve gained an additional member (you) to the original twosome brigade, rather than scenario that you’ve stolen their older sibling. Sometimes it is not just a matter of taking on a new partner, but also adopting a new brother or sister. Treat them with kindness and they’ll be unable to dislike you for long.
The elders can be a tougher nut to crack. They tend to be a bit more cemented in their views and bias’. Almost always their dislike is based on some sort of fear. Either that you’ll lead their son/daughter astray, you’ll break their son/daughter’s heart, you won’t provide the sort of future lifestyle they envisage for their child. Some just can’t come to grips with ‘loosing’ their child.
Much like with the younger sibling example, the key to generating a great relationship with your partner’s parents is to figure out what their issues are and plan out a way of demonstrating how baseless these fears are. Demonstrate how you can be a good influence. Usually by adopting and accepting your partner’s family as your own, you’ll be able to secure a much better relationship with the in-laws.
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They live 10 hours drive away, but as she's a school teacher, every holiday she comes down to see the kids, thereby moving in with us for 2 - 6 weeks, depending on which holiday of course.
To not see them for ages and then have them basically on top of the four of us in a tiny house and one bathroom can get quite stressful for a long period of time.
Ironically, they own a rental 30 minutes from here - their daughter lives in it with her husband, no kids, 2 spare bedrooms and an ensuite and they'd rather stay here - even when like now, with next weeks holidays, the sister in law & hubby are overseas and no-one is in their house. It's empty, they own it, if they could just give us a week on our own out of the 2 and see us only through the daytime etc it would really be appreciated. Especially as we've been doing this for just under a decade now.
Oh well, hopefully it won't get too hot here again. (They like to leave the windows open in their room when the air con is on so it pumps straight out the window etc when you don't know about it.
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