Harry
CibbuanoWhat floats your boat?
February 22nd 2007 00:01
As we start to date, we tend to focus on our ability to attract someone else. We often work to meet the imagined criteria of the potential date. So when you'e setting out to find a date it's pretty important to take a moment and notice what turns you on.
Ask yourself, "What excites me in another person?" If you respond "a nice butt," that's great, but not complete. Chemical reactions are sparked by a combination of body, personality, mind, and spirit. It's how the person relates to you, makes you laugh or inspires you. One of the most exciting opportunities of dating is the chance to experiment with different combinations of these factors. Yes, it's a complex mix. But the more we sort out what we want and don't want, and the closer we get to the winning formula, the more likely we will find it -- and have chemistry!
The way you begin to identify what you want in a person is to start paying attention. Pick up a magazine, go to a movie, sit in a coffee shop or bar, and look around. Take notes -- mentally or literally. What makes your heartbeat accelerate (and other body parts wake up), and why? Really try to identify the magical elements. Compare the different people you are attracted to and notice traits that keep coming up.
Allowing desire
Desire is a great motivator and automatically moves us toward our goals. Being aware of our desires also helps us notice when fulfillment is standing right in front of us. And desire is sexy. I've been amazed by the transformation in therapy clients when they learn to express their desires. Plastic surgery could not do as much for their attractiveness. And, not surprisingly, they start to get dates. Ever thought of what it means when you say someone is "hot"? Hot is turned on, alive, ready to engage. A hot person is about to create chemistry.
So let your excitement build. In fact, go ahead and add fuel to the fire. Fantasize, regularly. Self-help guides repeatedly tell us to envision our desired outcome, because it works. Don't be afraid of becoming preoccupied or regressing to an adolescent state. Revel in the fact that you get another shot at one of the most compelling experiences in life. Ah, chemistry.
As any scientist learns early on, an experiment that refutes the hypothesis is as valuable as one that comes out as expected. The same applies to dating. If we base success on liking everyone we date and having every date like us, we are not only setting ourselves up, we are limiting our experience and learning. My friend's therapist asked his clients to bring back stories of five date rejections to assure they were getting out there and experimenting. Remember the potential of kissing toads. Your image of what works will evolve and grow as you date. In experimentation, there is no failure, only discovery.
Ask yourself, "What excites me in another person?" If you respond "a nice butt," that's great, but not complete. Chemical reactions are sparked by a combination of body, personality, mind, and spirit. It's how the person relates to you, makes you laugh or inspires you. One of the most exciting opportunities of dating is the chance to experiment with different combinations of these factors. Yes, it's a complex mix. But the more we sort out what we want and don't want, and the closer we get to the winning formula, the more likely we will find it -- and have chemistry!
The way you begin to identify what you want in a person is to start paying attention. Pick up a magazine, go to a movie, sit in a coffee shop or bar, and look around. Take notes -- mentally or literally. What makes your heartbeat accelerate (and other body parts wake up), and why? Really try to identify the magical elements. Compare the different people you are attracted to and notice traits that keep coming up.
Allowing desire
Desire is a great motivator and automatically moves us toward our goals. Being aware of our desires also helps us notice when fulfillment is standing right in front of us. And desire is sexy. I've been amazed by the transformation in therapy clients when they learn to express their desires. Plastic surgery could not do as much for their attractiveness. And, not surprisingly, they start to get dates. Ever thought of what it means when you say someone is "hot"? Hot is turned on, alive, ready to engage. A hot person is about to create chemistry.
So let your excitement build. In fact, go ahead and add fuel to the fire. Fantasize, regularly. Self-help guides repeatedly tell us to envision our desired outcome, because it works. Don't be afraid of becoming preoccupied or regressing to an adolescent state. Revel in the fact that you get another shot at one of the most compelling experiences in life. Ah, chemistry.
As any scientist learns early on, an experiment that refutes the hypothesis is as valuable as one that comes out as expected. The same applies to dating. If we base success on liking everyone we date and having every date like us, we are not only setting ourselves up, we are limiting our experience and learning. My friend's therapist asked his clients to bring back stories of five date rejections to assure they were getting out there and experimenting. Remember the potential of kissing toads. Your image of what works will evolve and grow as you date. In experimentation, there is no failure, only discovery.
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Comment by David
That's easy to answer for me ...
A WOMAN not a girl [intellectually and emotionally] (Immaturity? My second-biggest turn-off in life [scroll down for biggest, single turn-off ...
A WOMAN of the bodily kind [coathangers? ... ditzy bimbos into fashion mags and TV? [third biggest turn-off in life ... A Woman with the body of a woman, not some Gay Parisien fashion designer's homosexual wet-dream, young-boy lookalike, thanks ...
She has to LOVE food ... and drink ... (No Wowsers ... No Puritans ... No screwed-up-in-the-head Vegans either ... Meat Eaters only ... She can be Obsessive Compulsive and fanatical about sexuality but nothing else ... It's as boring as batshit all that stuff ... I can get all of that on a blogsite thanks ...
Brunette ... (Prerequisite ... It's my life. Call me judgemental if you like, but if you don't make judgements in life? You don't make decisions ...
Dark Eyes ... (Again, it's my life ...
No Brazilian Waxing ... (And I'll be up-front ask make it one of my first questions ... Biggest turn-off in life for me ... And, believe it or not, moreso than hot beer ... I'm not into paedophilia, thanks ... Give it a miss in 2007 ... * Pubic Hair thanks ... (it can be manicured but not removed ...
Absolutely WICKED when it comes to sensuality and sexuality ... an 'anything goes' type of woman ... (Prudes? Prissies? ... Not for this little black duck, thanks ...
Intelligence to the point of genius ... (A lover of words, literature, language ... etc ... [a lover of film culture and music ...
A sense of
humourwit (an appreciation and understanding of what wit is and the ability to engage in wit ... (the company factor ...As to her occupation and financial status? Couldn't give a rat's ... She can be flat broke and clean toilets out for a living as far as I care ...
Religion and Culture? Don't care ... the more exotic the better ... The more different she is to me? The better ...
I want her to be spiritual but she doesn't have to belong to any particular religion ... It's neither here nor there to me ...
Her personality? Fiesty thanks ... A challenger of everything I think and believe in ... A woman with spirit ... A woman of infinite interior variety ...
So, basically? ... A goddess of the mind and a goddess of the body ... A little girl trapped in a woman's body, so this little boy trapped in man's body can have some child-like, but never childish fun with her ...
(Might explain why I'm still single??? ... But then, I'm not into compromises ... Tried them once ... Didn't like them ...
David ...