Harry
CibbuanoWhat to do when your partner puts on weight @ Savage Love
December 6th 2007 01:54
I'm a big fan of Savage Love, a nationally syndicated advice column written by Dan Savage. He's intelligent, he's gay, he gives good advice and, when he makes a mistake, he has no problem taking it back.
Most of the time, he's just sensible. In rare cases, he creates guidelines for relationships that reach Scripture-like status. For example, his definition of DTMFA, which stands for Dump The Mutha Fucka Already, used when people write in about their partner abusing them, but not wanting to leave.
A couple of weeks ago, a reader, abbreviated HARD, wrote in complaining about his wife's recent weight gain, which was rendering him unattracted to her:
Dan Savage wrote back (edited):
I thought it was odd for Savage to use this direct tone with HARD, as it wasn't really his style.
This week, Dan revealed a sneaky little trick.
He didn't write the advice. None of it. He conducted a little experiment based on his experience with a similar letter several weeks earlier.
On Nov. 7th, a reader, SAS, wrote in saying that he was a gay man in a long-term monogamous relationship, but that, while SAS kept active, his boyfriend let himself go. And much in the same manner as HARD, SAS started feeling less sexual attraction towards his partner.
Savage wrote that SAS had no choice but to be depressed since he was unwilling to leave his partner. He jokingly suggested SAS should start drinking heavily.
In this week's column, Savage revealed that many readers, mostly female, wrote angry letters to Savage, deploring him for not advising honesty.
When HARD's letter arrived, it was the hetero equivalent of the letter that SAS wrote, so Savage wondered if the advice his readers sent him would work on a straight couple:
"The advice you read in this space for HARD—all about being honest and open (including those now-infamous conversation starters like, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?")—was written by my female readers. All I did was change the pronouns from male to female."
It was an interesting ploy, with an obvious outcome. Furious letters poured in, berating Savage for his inhumane advice, to which he laughed:
"And guess what? It turns out that honesty—at least when we're talking about a woman's fat ass—isn't the best policy after all. Honesty about a partner's premature and avoidable physical deterioration is only fit for faggots, it seems."
Savage emailed HARD privately and gave him real advice, even going as far as offering to talk to HARD on the phone. Read his actual advice, as well as angry emails here!
Most of the time, he's just sensible. In rare cases, he creates guidelines for relationships that reach Scripture-like status. For example, his definition of DTMFA, which stands for Dump The Mutha Fucka Already, used when people write in about their partner abusing them, but not wanting to leave.
A couple of weeks ago, a reader, abbreviated HARD, wrote in complaining about his wife's recent weight gain, which was rendering him unattracted to her:
"...And since she tends to eat more when things aren't going well for us, this is creating a hugely negative feedback loop on the weight-and-lust fronts."
Dan Savage wrote back (edited):
"Before you give up or drive yourself crazy over this situation, HARD, you need to have an honest talk with your wife. It's simple: Tell your wife that you no longer find her attractive. It's called being honest... Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?"
...Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life."
...Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life."
I thought it was odd for Savage to use this direct tone with HARD, as it wasn't really his style.
This week, Dan revealed a sneaky little trick.
He didn't write the advice. None of it. He conducted a little experiment based on his experience with a similar letter several weeks earlier.
On Nov. 7th, a reader, SAS, wrote in saying that he was a gay man in a long-term monogamous relationship, but that, while SAS kept active, his boyfriend let himself go. And much in the same manner as HARD, SAS started feeling less sexual attraction towards his partner.
Savage wrote that SAS had no choice but to be depressed since he was unwilling to leave his partner. He jokingly suggested SAS should start drinking heavily.
In this week's column, Savage revealed that many readers, mostly female, wrote angry letters to Savage, deploring him for not advising honesty.
When HARD's letter arrived, it was the hetero equivalent of the letter that SAS wrote, so Savage wondered if the advice his readers sent him would work on a straight couple:
"The advice you read in this space for HARD—all about being honest and open (including those now-infamous conversation starters like, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?")—was written by my female readers. All I did was change the pronouns from male to female."
It was an interesting ploy, with an obvious outcome. Furious letters poured in, berating Savage for his inhumane advice, to which he laughed:
"And guess what? It turns out that honesty—at least when we're talking about a woman's fat ass—isn't the best policy after all. Honesty about a partner's premature and avoidable physical deterioration is only fit for faggots, it seems."
Savage emailed HARD privately and gave him real advice, even going as far as offering to talk to HARD on the phone. Read his actual advice, as well as angry emails here!
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